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Are we already in the merry month of May? My, how time flies when you’re having fun. Last issue, I predicted a myriad of political arguments and insults. (I can see my predictions were greatly understated!) With the primary decided and the main event at hand, robocalls are raging fast(ly) and furiously (excuse the grammar).
It is annoying to rush at breakneck speed to answer the telephone for fear of missing a desired call, only to realize I’ve been tricked by a robocall. (I wish they would email, so I could avoid the rush to answer and simply delete the message without reading.) My little grandson wanted to send “Papaw” a card. He asked his mother for heaven’s address—dilemma! Then his face brightened, “I know! We’ll send him an email. They just float through the air, don’t they?” Brilliant child!
Does God have email? Funny you should ask. How else could we communicate with Him? Doesn’t everyone on earth and in heaven have email? Imagine having to use snail mail to communicate with God. It would never reach Him in our lifetime!
But, is email really faster? Not sure. I tried sending Him one, only to receive this response: “Website closed. You may purchase this domain.” For heaven’s sake, what does that mean?
Not to worry. I’ll send an e-prayer. Surely, that’s the quickest and surest way to reach God, right? Well, I thought so until I tried, then read: “I will be away from my heavenly computer for a few days; please try again later.”
Tried again later, but received this response: “Addressee unknown; earth-heaven ISP busy, please resend.” Very irritating!
Next try: “Incorrect password. Please retype.” Retyped, the monitor blinked: “You have tried more than 3 times. Please try again later or contact addressee directly.” I’m screaming, “Hey, God, I AM trying to contact You directly!"
I will not be denied. Maybe cable modem isn’t the best approach; perhaps God prefers Wi-Fi. So, I took my iPad to the coffee shop. No, not again! “Wrong device; can’t connect to network! If you feel you have received this message in error, please try to connect through cTunes (the Celestial version).” What? You can’t be serious. “Please, God, I need to talk to You—NOW!"
Won’t give up. “God, do you ‘Tweet’? It’s easy to sign up.”
Okay, I’ll try reaching Him on the smartphone (am certain this will work). Wrong again: “Thanks for calling. All angel/aides are busy serving other pray-ers. Please hold. Your call is important to us. By the way, your prayer may be recorded for quality control” (???). Then, “Please make your selection from the following menu: For praises to God, press one; for petitions, press two; for an appointment to talk to God when you’re in the neighborhood, press three." (In the neighborhood? Are you kidding?)
At this point, I am frustrated (Nazarene for “angry”) with the heavenly runaround. Can’t believe it—I’m sitting on hold with harps playing! Come on people, remember the old promise, “Never busy, always on the line... you can hear from Heaven—almost anytime”?
That’s when a voice comes on the line (apparently an angel/aide): “Sorry, God’s phone appears to be out of the service area.” God’s roaming? Hmm... I must be in the “almost” zone!
I call again later, then again and again. I yell, “Sorry, I don’t understand." Angel/aide: “Okay. Will repeat. Records show you have called ten times today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow!”
I MUST connect. Talking to God is the most blessed time of my day. I’m begging— “Please!! What am I doing wrong? You said we could never call too often.”
I’ll try one more time.
Huh? Really? I’m hearing modem sounds—buzzing, whistles and clicks—at last, I’m connecting! YES!!
Angel/aide: “Read Isaiah 58:9: ‘Then shalt thou call and the Lord will answer. Thou shalt cry, and He shall say, “Here am I’” (KJV). Wow! Was Isaiah preparing us for these times? Incredible! Thank you, God ... and Isaiah! I will call again.
Okay, I will try to improve my connections for future prayers! Uh, what was that password again?
Justine Knight was raised in a parsonage and married to a Nazarene minister for more than 50 years.